Why I Stayed by Gayle Haggard

I was perusing books on the Tyndale Publishing site when I found this one.  There were Reader Reward points burning a hole in my pocket and Why I Stayed by Gayle Haggard caught my eye.  I vaguely remembered the scandal: mega preacher caught in homosexual, drug fueled affair.  Or something like that.

So why did his wife stay with him?  What did she go through and what could she teach us?

Like a lot of people, when I hear that a spiritual leader has "fallen" I dismiss them.  They must have turned their back on their faith.  How else could they have screwed up so badly?  And for some of them that is probably true.  But what I forget when passing those judgments is that people are weak.  People are...human.

Gayle doesn't go into much detail about what Ted actually did and that's not really the point of this book anyway.  She stresses that she knows the full truth and that the stories in the press were exaggerated.

This book and the Haggards' experiences were really eye opening for me.  If the events are true, and I do tend to believe Gayle's representation of what they went through, then this is the story of a church's failure.

Christianity is about love and forgiveness.  And despite the fact that Ted was evidently repentant, apologetic, and willing to make amends as much as possible, the church he founded turned him out.  Not the congregation, necessarily, but definitely the church leadership and their council of "Restorers".  The Restorers were well respected men from various churches who were supposed to guide the Haggards during a time of prayer, therapy, and reflection.  The ultimate goal was to "restore" them to the church.  But there was never any progress.  Ted and Gayle were directed to avoid all contact with their friends from church and had their every move and even their counseling sessions monitored by the Restorers.

New Life Church, their home for so many years, was not accessible to them anymore.  They were even forced to move out of state for a time.  All these stipulations were laid out in contracts they had to sign if they were to have any hope of being allowed back at the church, even just as congregants.

I don't know anything about Gayle other than what I read in this book, but she seems like a very kind woman who went through a terrible experience.  She has survived and found a new strength in her improved marriage and tight knit family.  Her story is heartbreaking at times but her depth of faith and love is impressive.  She (with the help of Angela Hunt) tells her story without pulling any punches regarding the hurt and disappointment experienced at the hands of the former friends who were so heartless or simply unresponsive during the scandal and the aftermath.  But she never once comes across as bitter or judgmental.

Why she stayed is clear early on and the bulk of the book is really the story of what they experienced as a couple during the years following Ted privately renouncing his path of sin and the scandal becoming public.

If you're curious, she stayed because
1) she loves her husband
2) Christianity requires us to forgive those who hurt us and try to help those who are struggling
3) and most importantly, her husband did everything he could to prove to her she could trust him again including apologies, repentance, providing any details she asked for, and attending hours of counseling and therapy to mend their relationship and help him understand why he found himself making such hurtful choices that went against the life he'd chosen.

Not everyone would agree with Gayle's decision to stay but hearing how she navigated the crisis and the myriad experiences she had with family, friends, and complete strangers who retreated or approached her with support during that time is terribly interesting and ultimately uplifting.